Foxy gears up for the only data-driven awards in town

Top news for anyone seeking a purely data-driven awards programme, your prayers have finally been answered. Campaign Agency of the Year Awards? Forget it. The Drum Awards for Experience? Never. The Marketing Week Effectiveness Awards? Are you having a laugh?

No, dear readers, apparently the “Pornhub Awards is the only awards that is entirely data driven, as winners are determined using algorithms based on video views, porn star searches and more”.

Yep, this year’s event boasts 50 categories – the most ever in the awards’ five-year history – and also includes a number of new categories that celebrate diversity and inclusivity, apparently.

Not only that but you won’t be getting a dodgy choir or a Richard Stilgoe tribute act at this bunfight; in the coming weeks, this year’s headliner, “one of the world’s biggest pop acts”, will be revealed.

There won’t even be huge columns of moulded perspex handed out, as Pornhub will be rewarding all winners with CASH PRIZES, while celebrated fashion designer Luis De Javier (who has worked for Beyoncé, Kim Kardashian, Julia Fox, Cardi B, Rihanna) has been appointed the exclusive designer.

Known for his futuristic, bold, and sexually-charged designs, De Javier will be dressing Pornhub ambassadors Asa Akira, Kira Noir, Natassia Dreams, and Pornhub Aria in custom pieces inspired by the brand. (Not much material required there, then.)

He gushed: “I’m thrilled to take part in this ritual of sexual liberation and glamour, dressing beautiful creatures from an industry which I am proudly part of and take inspiration from.

“Continuing to draw upon the queer movement disregarding general gender conformities more than having made a line for women as a gender, per se, the pieces for the awards reference female empowerment as a concept, offering strength through style to a community who has been long under-supported.”

If you say so Luis.

Elsewhere, officials in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada have won their own prize for this year’s worst advertising strapline after unveiling their slogan “Show us your Regina” to entice tourists to the city.

Let’s just hope VisitBritain doesn’t follow suit and start promoting the UK’s dodgy place names, although Cocking, Penistone, Fingerinhoe, Cockermouth and Brown Willy would certainly not look out of place at the Pornhub Awards either…

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