Ah life. Just when you think you have it all sorted, it has a nasty habit of coming back and biting you on the arse – and with my well-documented and not inconsiderable derrière that can be a serious injury.
You see, there I was last weekend, still flushed in the sexual afterglow of Friday’s NATIONAL CHOCOLATE CAKE DAY when up popped a text from my man, Desperate Dan, the southern softie who’s hard in all the right places, telling me it wasn’t me, it was him and I was dumped. What a charmer.
To be fair, I was only miffed because he got in first. I’d already had more than enough of him months ago but was just stringing him along until I had a better offer.
Still, never one to let the grass grow under my feet I got straight on it. To be fair, the natural choice would have been to sign up to the Chocolate Lovers Passions dating site, although from past experience I know it is full of creeps.
Last time I was on there, my inbox was bulging with messages from fellow CHOCOLATE lovers within seconds. However, “Hershey Harry” looked quite cute but a bit too desperate, “Cadbury’s Mr Big” didn’t quite live up to his own billing, “Marathon Man” was hot but slightly too old (he didn’t even realise it’s called Snickers now) and the “Milky Bar Kid”, well, he just looked like a wrong ‘un.
You may recall I even considered “Mars Bar Mick”, with his very own strapline of “a Mars a day helps you play, play, play” although it transpired he was further up his arse than I was willing to go.
No, dear Foxy fans, according to the love rats’ favourite website, Illicitencounters, if you are looking for something completely different, you have to look to the farming community to add some excitement and spice up your love life.
I quote: “Farmers have a labour-intensive job that does not leave a lot of time for second-guessing. If you want someone who isn’t afraid of hard work and won’t throw a fit every time something isn’t perfect, they could be perfect. And farmers work long hours, so there will be plenty of ‘you’ time, too.”
And, guess what, there are thousands of farmers signed up to Illicitencounters just waiting for you to get down and dirty in the countryside, all for just £200 for a four-week gold plus membership.
Now, call me old fashioned, in fact you can call me anything you like, but I can think of plenty of other things I could get far more enjoyment from for that £200. Bit more CHOCOLATE CAKE anyone?
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