Peggy and Meggy show us the top sights of Skeggy

“Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ (uh), Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ (what?), Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ (uh), Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.” Sadly, I’m so short of road tunes I am being forced to resort to Limp bloody Bizkit – and limp it is, too.

Now, you may recall, last week we were in the land that time forgot (Norfolk by name, Nor-fuck-all-to-do by nature). To be honest, I put a brave face on it because I know my increasingly frail bosses (that’s McFatty and McNotQuiteSoFattyAnymore to you lot) do like a bit of peace and quiet these days.

But if the highlight of your week is spending time in Little Snoring, you know it’s not going to get any better, so I decided to grab the wheel with both hands and head up North.

Precisely two hours, 48 minutes and 34 seconds later, we landed in what has been branded “the most dangerous small town in Lincolnshire”, and that was even before we arrived. Yep, the Decision Marketing Bus Tour of Britain has hit Skegness.

Our quest to find the UK sexiest town has run dry here; this place doesn’t even feature on the Lovehoney interactive map of Britain’s raunchiest places to live and visit.

Still, who needs sex when you can have marketing blurb like this? “Skegness is where you can find an array of great seaside traditions, promising there’s always something awesome to see and do during your visit. Situated on the stunning Lincolnshire coast, Skegness has long been regarded as one of England’s top coastal resort towns.

“Alongside Skegness’ celebrated beachfront and its selection of fun-loving theme parks, you’ll find impressive wildlife sanctuaries, nature reserves and open-air museums to explore. An ideal summertime vacation spot away from the city, make your trip a memorable one by delving into the resort town’s most popular attractions and activities.”

Luckily we have Peggy and Meggy from Skeggy on board with all their local knowledge, which to be fair is way more useful than that puffery; namely which areas to avoid, where to find the best chippies and, more importantly to many I’m sure, where all the dogging action takes place (Stapleford Woods, between Newark and Lincoln and the viewpoint near the Lincolnshire Showground off the A15 if you’re interested). Well, they do promise “there’s always something awesome to see and do”.

So far, we have resisted the charms of the Elysium Restaurant & Grill (the afterlife can wait, luv), while the Tarantino Restaurant sounds like it could end in a bloodbath. Instead, tonight we are venturing into the Tipsy Cow, which apparently is run by Peggy and Meggy’s pisshead uncle. What could possibly go wrong?

Take it away Durst: “Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ (uh), Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ (what?), Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ (uh), Keep rollin’, rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.”

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